When I first started learning about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), I expected to discover a collection of new techniques and practical strategies.
Instead, I discovered something much more meaningful.
I found words for something I had already believed for years.
Throughout my work as a SENCO and now as an autism therapist and coach, I have met many autistic children, teenagers and adults. Like many professionals, I began my career looking for the right intervention. I wanted to find the strategy that would reduce anxiety, improve communication or help someone cope more effectively.
Over time, however, I realised that techniques rarely come first.
Understanding does.
One young person reminded me of this more clearly than any textbook ever could.
I had carefully planned our session. I thought social stories would be the most helpful approach. Instead, as we talked, it became obvious that she didn't need another strategy.
She only needed someone to listen.
She needed to feel heard.
She needed to feel seen for who she was.
That experience stayed with me because it challenged one of the assumptions many of us make as therapists, teachers and parents: that our job is to arrive with answers.
Sometimes our first job is simply to understand.
What DBT taught me
One of the central ideas in DBT is that acceptance and change are not opposites.
At first, this surprised me.
In many areas of life, we assume that accepting something means giving up on changing it.
DBT suggests something quite different.
It proposes that people are far more able to grow when they first feel understood.
Acceptance is not about saying that everything is fine or that difficult behaviours should continue unchanged. It is about acknowledging another person's experience without judgement.
Only when someone feels genuinely understood are they often ready to explore new ways of coping.
As Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT, recognised, people are more open to learning when they no longer feel they have to defend their experience.
Why this matters in autism
Many autistic people have spent years being misunderstood.
They may have been told they are "too sensitive," "too emotional," "too quiet," "too intense" or that they simply need to "try harder."
These comments are often well intentioned.
Unfortunately, they can leave people feeling that the way they experience the world is somehow wrong.
An autism-affirming approach begins somewhere different.
Instead of asking,
"How do we change this person?"
we begin by asking,
"Help me understand what this is like for you."
That single question changes the conversation.
It opens the door to curiosity instead of judgement.
It allows us to understand sensory experiences, communication differences, anxiety, executive functioning challenges and the effort involved in masking.
Only then can we begin thinking about strategies that genuinely fit the individual.
Understanding comes before intervention
This has become one of the guiding principles of my work.
Before introducing a strategy, I want to understand the person.
Before offering advice, I want to listen.
Before teaching a skill, I want to know what life feels like from their perspective.
That doesn't mean therapy stops at listening.
Skills matter.
Research matters.
But techniques are most effective when they are built upon a foundation of understanding.
A different way of thinking about therapy
Perhaps the greatest lesson DBT has taught me so far is this:
Acceptance is not the opposite of change. It is often the beginning of it.
When people feel genuinely seen, heard and understood, they are often more willing to reflect, learn and grow.
As therapists, coaches, teachers and parents, we don't always need to begin with the perfect intervention.
Sometimes we begin with something much simpler.
We begin by listening.
Reflection
Think of someone in your own life: a child, a teenager, a colleague or even yourself.
Rather than asking, "How can I fix this?" try asking:
"What might this person be experiencing right now?"
Sometimes that one question changes everything.