What we need to understand before we explain someone else’s behaviour
Someone leaves a room halfway through a meeting. The record says they walked out. It may also say they were upset, uncooperative or unwilling to take part. The first description tells us what an observer saw. The others begin to explain it before the person has had an opportunity to speak.
For an autistic teenager or adult, the missing information may be significant. Perhaps several people were speaking at once. Perhaps a change to the agenda removed the only part of the meeting they had prepared for. Perhaps they had already asked for a pause and received no response. Leaving may have been the most manageable option available.
A record of what happened before, during and afterwards can help us look more closely. Its usefulness depends on how we write it. We can describe an action without claiming to know its intention. We can record what supporters did, including whether their response reduced pressure or increased it. We can make room for the person’s account, even when that account arrives later or remains incomplete.
In coaching, I would begin with a question: “What was happening for you that someone watching might have missed?” The answer does not have to settle everything. It can give us a better starting point for the next conversation.
If there was harm, we still need to address it. Understanding the conditions around an incident helps us decide how to respond and what might need to change. It does not require us to pretend the consequences did not matter.
Before turning an observation into an explanation, leave a space for the person who lived through it.
Companion A4 sheet
Use Understanding what happened to record the context, the person’s experience and one adjustment to try.
Download Understanding what happened as an A4 PDF